Bad VBAC headspace

It's been a tough day to stay positive about VBACing.

Part of my VBAC consent is that I have to agree to a repeat c-section if I don't give birth before 41 weeks. So today I had several conversations with a really nice woman from the doctors' office that is associated with the midwife practice. At first, she scheduled the surgery for 40w1d, which is not the same as 41w0d. I spoke to the midwife about this, and the very nice doctors' assistant called me back to re-negotiate. She suggested 40w6d, but I insisted on 41w0d. So I got what I wanted, but discussing my repeat scheduled cesarean is not what I want to be doing right now!!

Then I thought it would be a really good idea to tour the hospital where I'm going to give birth. Another part of the VBAC consent is that I give birth in the hospital, instead of the midwives' birthing center (which is located directly across the street from the hospital), because it's my first VBAC. So what better way to stay relaxed when we go to the hospital to labor and deliver than to have an idea of where we're going, right? Not so much. The tour just made me angrier and angrier as it went on. First of all, all the labor and delivery rooms were occupied, so I didn't get to see one...which is primarily the reason I went. Then, when the doula who gave the tour started talking about fetal monitoring, I felt my blood pressure rise. She proceeded to show us the OR where emergency c-sections happen, and next the NICU (which was supposed to impress us because it is so big). Finally, we got to stand in a maternity room while she talked about visitors and epidurals, and while the room was nice and clean and modern, all I could think was hospital. It was so medical. And neither thought felt very much like what I want for this birth.

And so I got angry again. If I hadn't had the c-section with Buzz, I'd be able to give birth in the birthing center. I looked around at the six other pregnant women around me, and thought to myself that at least two of them, statistically, are going to have c-sections, and that if they knew better, they could probably prevent them.

Now I will go listen to some Hypnobirthing relaxation and prepare to wake up with a renewed positive attitude. Right?