Duffy is what Patricia McConnell (an amazing animal behaviorist) might call a "cautious canine." He is fearful of new surroundings, unprecedented experiences, and, most of all, noises. Noises of just about any kind make him dig his heels into the ground and sink his body down to the point that if I want him to come with me, I'll have to drag his lifeless body behind me. Anything will do it: kids splashing in a pool, a voice on a push-to-talk phone, guitar music, even the croak of a frog from the pond outside our apartment, I think, freaks him out. I can't get him to trust me enough to realize that I'm not going to put him in a dangerous situation. He won't believe me when I tell him that the children in the pool are just having fun amongst themselves, and that the frogs are not going to attack him. There is no tone of voice, no dangling of treats or tennis balls, no behavior calm or assertive enough to convince him that he'll be okay if he just walks with me.
I suppose I don't blame him.
Because there is nothing that anyone can do to convince me that I'll be okay without my Grama. I want to dig my heels into the ground and refuse to go on. I want to refuse to accept that I've lost the person who loved me more unconditionally and understood me more fully than anyone else in the world. I don't care about how many "bad days" I'm supposed to have, or about how many wonderful memories I have of her, or about how she's still "with" me. I do not want to go forward with grace and dignity and maturity. I will have to be dragged.
1 comment:
Emily, I understand completely and often find myself feeling like a child having a tantrum wanting my Mom. Nothing can take the place of her being at the end of that phone line, sitting at her table, and so pleased by your phone call or visit. We think those we love will always be there but it just isn't that way. No grandparents loved their grandchild the way both Mom and Dad loved you. Hang on to that and let it warm your heart in those hours of sadness. Dig in all you want for now but believe that it will get better with time.
Love,
Aunt Andrea
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